Brotherhood of the Bearded

A former coworker once informed me that he did not grow a beard because it was itchy. He had gone several days without shaving and then broke down, cut the grass, and was back to his usual hairless self. Such failure in the face of furriness is a textbook example of the shortcomings that crop up among the non-bearded.

Let me take this opportunity to say that I in no way expect a beard to be worn by every man. Some people simply cannot grow a beard that approaches respectable. I, myself, suffer from a severe shortage in certain facial areas that presents my bristles as being much akin to Ted Neeley a la Jesus Christ Superstar.

That being said, it most assuredly takes a conscious passage through trials to enter into the Brotherhood of the Bearded. The first test, as we have seen, is Trial by Irritation. Indeed, within a few days of shaving cessation, you will, most likely, feel the itch. It is rather constant and something of a nuisance. The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the heartiness of one's whiskers, which should indicate what the final product might be. Thus, it is a greater trial for those with heartier beards, but so much more the reward they will receive.

The second test one must endure is Trial by Errancy. Oft times whiskers will go astray, and there is a certain tendency to feel the need to trim when barbs are all akimbo. The sin here, which is opposite the trend for so many other areas in our modern world, lies in over-editing. There is a certain extra merit attached to those who have the fortitude to grow an unkempt beard, letting nature display its true fury via the face of a grizzled man-beast. A trimmed beard is respectable, but only as respectable as a leashed German shepherd: it's a lot safer if things start going downhill, but true potential is being constrained at best, and castrated at worse.

The third universal test, and perhaps the most trying, is the Trial by Petulance. This is more of an external force, caused by the gentleman's special lady, be it spouse or otherwise. While being listed as the third test, it is important to note that Trial by Petulance is usually both persistent and pervasive throughout the course of a beardwearer's early years. It takes a certain degree of established tenure as a bearded man before this trial finds itself by the wayside. Some may posit that a man who is unencumbered by a current close relationship with the fairer sex will not suffer this agony; not so. Be it the office secretary or the unshorn man's mother, some woman in his life will unconsciously sense that he is not being nagged daily about that hideous thing dangling from his chin, and said woman's biological response will be to temporarily fill that void until a more permanent replacement comes along. This is inevitable--one must be prepared for an onslaught from the double-X's (though whether out of jealousy or not, I will not hazard a guess).

Other unique trials and tribulations will grace an individual in his walk with the Brotherhood, building character in the man's spirit while adding character to his visage. The three trials above are only the tip of the iceberg--universal encounters that all brauny-faced gentlemen must endure. And endure we must, for the beard is our heritage; it is our birthright. Life takes modern men down many different paths, but there is a common doorway that unites us and in a way, completes us. Few achievements in life engender the pride and prestige of crossing that magical threshold...into the Brotherhood of the Bearded.